Good question me from the post title. Well when I'm not literally asking myself questions to pretend as though anyone gives two fucks, I just sit at home attempting to empty my massive watch later playlist of youtube videos while playing RuneScape or something. It's almost always RuneScape, though for most of the last 3 weeks it was a lot of Pixelmon until I'd basically found every biome and got down to a point where I could complete the dex or work on breeding myself a team. Instead I decided to just say fuck it and breed every Pokemon that I used in that one shitty pokemon fanfic I'd been updating since 2014, and once I had good natured and decent IV versions of those I just bred a bunch of other pokemon that I had thought of adding to that thing until I literally exhausted that list and in the process exhausted my desire to play Pixelmon.
"So wait, you just sit at home and play video games and watch youtubers?"
Yep, welcome to the results of my college education. To be fair that's not exactly all I do, I do have part time jobs that pay minimum wage and have low hours a week which enables me to do things like not live on the street and not starve to death, but that's about it. Honestly if I wasn't renting from my parents I wouldn't even have internet access because my monthly income would need to probably double to be able to afford my own internet connection. I could get back into doing youtube videos but I'm not monetized and also I'm not good at being a youtuber and that's both a personality thing and an equipment/software thing. But to be real that's not why I don't upload videos again. It's entirely because I haven't put in the effort to test the capture capabilities of whatever software came with my laptop, but also movie maker is dead and fraps doesn't work with the photos app because photos hates .avi files for no good reason and when I tried to run it through vlc's file converter it nuked the audio and only kept the video but I can't tell if that was my fault or just the limitations of vlc. The whole reason I even used movie maker was because fraps makes massive 4gb files every ~10 minutes of video and that's way too big to upload directly but also even if I disabled the 4gb split option in fraps then I'd have just a massive video file that'd take like a week to upload to youtube and also I'd have no software capable of editing the file to find and fix mistakes. This in a nutshell is the layers of issues that made me realize that continuing my uploads and stuff wasn't even worthwhile anymore as self therapy to pretend I have a place in society.
"Welp that took a turn. You ok?"
I've answered this before kinda in another post. As far as my physical well being goes I'm fine. Mentally I've gotten scary good at ignoring my shortcomings and problems purely to avoid completely melting down. A few people from discord know this about me but the summer before I went to university I started to notice I was having weird involuntary reactions to being out in public. Like if I went out to a restauraunt with family that I'd always feel nauseated after a meal no matter how much I did or didn't eat. The first couple times I just dismissed this as either food poisoning or illness but then I had it kick in at my grandmother's funeral which was full of people I'd never met before, and then again when someone related to my grandfather invited us to dine with his family. I never bothered seeing a doctor about it because I already knew what it was. My great grandmother suffered from horrible anxiety attacks that she had to take pills to suppress but as far as I know that was the only person in my family who suffered anxiety attacks. I guess my reclusive nature caught up with me and brought it out and it's gotten worse over the years. I wouldn't say so much it's that I enjoy being alone, more that I like to know when people are around me and I only feel comfortable around people that I know on some level. I've literally jumped out of my seat from people entering my room and saying hello just because I couldn't hear them approaching. I'm already socially awkward enough as is without having ridiculous panic attacks over an unanticipated greeting. It goes beyond this though as within the last year I've had panic attacks from things I never expected would impact me in that way. One of my fears is working retail, not because I can't do math or take orders, it's because I don't like making mistakes and there's no undo button for social interactions. An artist on furaffinity that I'd been paying attention to mentioned an rpg maker vore game thing with a retail theme and I figured I'd check it out. That decision ended up keeping me up all night because the stress of counting change and checking returns with a timer present made my heart beat out of my chest and I was literally sweating from head to toe. My reaction wasn't as violent when I went back to the game days later just to try and force myself to get over it but it still didn't feel good to play. A game I checked out purely because it involved the one fetish that inevitably always gets me hard ended up having the complete opposite effect on me entirely because of setting. That's when I realized that maybe it's not normal that I've always had to psych myself up to go to work or go to the store or even go to the bank to deposit a cheque in a machine. Maybe I've always had this problem and it's only coming out now as a symptom of my prolonged self isolation from others.
"Prolonged self isolation?"
Yeah, I can't remember if I mentioned this on here before but I don't see it in part 1 of my "how are you doing" post so I guess I should get into it. There's easily a book that could be written on my elementary and high school experience and this book would have an ambiguous non ending with a lot of really stupid shitty things that I've both done and had done to me. To save time I'll just say that I didn't have that many "friends" coming out of grade 8 and a large part of that was a sixth grade school transfer for reasons I could literally write a book about. I did keep a few though, for anonymity's sake we'll call em T Mic and Stevie B (and not because I was into rap/hip-hop as you're about to find out). The three of us were basically the outcasts of our class heading into high school, T Mic having spent all of his time on the internet finding country classics then watching porn and talking about it at school. Stevie B had a much more normal upbringing other than being extremely into dubbed anime and also 90's classic movies like Indiana Jones and Jurrasic Park which he'd watch religiously every other week from the comfort of his YuGiOh bedsheets. I never really had much to add to either of their conversations, not being as huge into media as Stevie B and being way too innocent to look up porn on my parents pc (especially cause I thought my dad actually knew how computers worked at the time and would find out immediately). There's tons of dumb one off things I can remember happening with us but nothing particularly bad or incriminating, mostly just jokes at our own expense. Eventually as high school went on T Mic stopped hanging with us as much as he had started working a few jobs and Stevie B went on to college at some point to do whatever. They both ended up changing and doing their own thing while I stayed behind waiting for a change that never came. I always had something to say in response to all their antics but I never had anything to share back then and thinking about it I still don't really have much to share to the point where I have to just expose myself and leave it all out there just to have something to talk about. I'd mentioned before that I stayed for 13th grade just to get more science credits, during that whole year I had no one to really talk to and I just ended up being a third wheel in a bunch of in class conversations with people a year younger than myself. I ended up mostly just listening to whatever they'd talk about, maybe chipping in every now and then on rare occasions but otherwise silent. I didn't really mind it that much, I mostly didn't want to bother what were essentially strangers who were already part of their own group. I'm the kind of person who'll never initiate conversations but once you get me talking I won't shut up because I'd been repressing possibly weeks or months worth of things to talk about. So yeah if you can imagine not having anyone other than family to talk to about anything for around 10 years? That's basically where I was before discord and before I started using this blogspot again.
"what the fuck it wasn't 10 years you'd have gone full on cabin fever"
It was 2009 to present day pretty much, I literally don't know anyone irl other than family and my employers and I definitely don't feel comfortable talking to them about anything going on in my life purely because they actually know me and know where I live and what I look like right now and they have the power to basically make me disappear if they have reason to. The main reason I havent' gone full cabin fever is I still am in contact with humans, it's not actual true isolation cause my current living situation basically requires me to be in proximity to other people daily. I'd probably be full on suiting and writing erotic smut for pay if I didn't have to worry about people finding out what I'm into. Honestly I don't even care if they find out, I just care about not living on the street cause I'd sooner end it all than have to be cut off from the only method of communication I have with others. That's pretty much where my life's at right now, just waiting for the day I inevitably die and trying to enjoy whatever time I have left until then.
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