So what's up?

Figured I'd open on that question since I've gone dark since my last video which was me looking like complete shit explaining the Dark Souls PC meltdown. So I have a new laptop, but Windows 10 does not come with Movie Maker so unless I find a less than legal source for a program that Microsoft has sunset and made unavailable to the public I only have whatever video editing they bundled into their photo's app. So what does this mean? Well it means that because I'm the only person still using Fraps in 2018 that I literally can't edit videos anymore because the photos app doesn't support .avi files. I have actually tried a workaround of using VLC to convert filetypes for my videos but that apparently killed audio on the recorded video which is just not gonna cut it.

My new pc is the best one I've ever had and should in theory be able to handle anything, but lack of software and lack of the will to purchase editing software for what's basically a dead end channel that'll never amount to anything has killed that dream. What I have done since is I played Nioh to completion, DLC included but fuck doing those optional challenge missions because holy shit this thing is the hardest game I've ever played and I don't have it in me to do 2v1 boss fights against bosses that are incredibly difficult on their own. I did do the non DLC optional missions at endgame but those took collectively 16 hours to get through which leads me to this next statement; I'm not going to ever consider recording Nioh. I am not in the business of uploading 16 hour videos, hell I can't even upload 5 minute videos right now without better editing or recording software.

What else? Well over the last calendar year I've become present on Discord which has finally lead me to a bit of an outlet for venting because one of the things the videos let me do was vent and just play games. So the problem with me not venting for what feels like years is I've changed, a lot. Some of it was good, some not so much. Basically I got tired of feeling trapped online with randoms so I started to open up about my problems to people who had no choice but to either listen or leave, and the topics got more and more intimate over time to the point I finally just threw away all my safeguards and laid myself bare for all to see. What you're about to read is stuff I've never talked about in videos, to my family, or those who know me irl.

I'm a loner, but I wasn't always. I wanted to hang around people, listen to their stories, experience life through them. But at some point I changed, became less interested in where they were going, felt like they were moving away from me to their own lives while I remained trapped with nothing leftover for me. I became a loner, not wanting to move into another group because I was afraid of being rejected, of being abandoned to time again. By the end of high school I had no friends, just people who's names I knew but who's lives were unknown to me. I never did anything to earn my own life, I was a bystander in my own story, just reacting to whatever happened and moving on. So with no vents and going to college I retreated online, hung around a manga site and eventually through Youtube found Let's Players that I could live through. Those LPers are mostly all retired now.

However social vents weren't the only thing I needed. All young men have other needs, more base needs. I mean it started with whatever schlock would air on the movie network past midnight, the shittiest corniest pornos that could make the airwaves. It got the job done but I hated it because that was all it was to me, a device to get a job done. I wanted more than that but didn't know where to find it. I searched online, found the weirdest most disgusting immoral parts of the internet through a combination of google and yahoo searches and I exposed myself to nearly everything you can imagine but found I hated elements of it all equally. And then I realized, I hated the reality of it. I needed to escape reality; Escape my reality. Around this time I saw one image, it was just a lewd doodle of Krystal the fox from the Star Fox adventures series and for some reason I gravitated to it. I obsessed over it. It became my go-to for release for the next week but that was all I knew it as back then. I know now this was considered furry porn, and when I learned this I needed to explore more. Somehow I ended up finding someone's fetish list and explored everything on it which lead me to another realization; I had a subconscious obsession with the idea of being consumed by something. Not in a fatal or lethal way but in a more comforting and possessive way. I wanted something to finally take me, hold onto me forever and shield me from my own weakness and fear. I only realized this one more recently, back then I just thought I had a vore fetish but it's never that simple with me.

Throughout College and University I continued this cycle of simply going where I needed to be, doing what I needed to do, then going home and losing myself in games before addressing my other needs before bed. This cycle continues to this day, though I've evolved and refined my tastes for relief over years. Yet I still feel to this day I don't really belong anywhere, I can call myself a furry but I don't really have a fursona. I don't think of myself as an animal, I'm just drawn to those with non human traits. I also don't really consider myself a gamer anymore, certainly I still play games but my interest in Triple A titles has dropped to near zero over the years to the point most of what I play is just something to pass time. Most of all I don't feel I have a real place in life, certainly no one around me could possibly share in my interests let alone understand them. I couldn't even hold down a full time job post graduating and have just been doing enough odd jobs to get by but never enough to actually get ahead. Was it my lack of maturity? Did I just assume life would give me the opportunity if I went to school? Did I lack the passion to amount to more than what I am? Certainly it's a mix of those, hell the only stuff I've been passionate about my whole life was strange fantastical worlds with stories the likes of which I could never imagine. That kind of passion doesn't get you far in the workplace. You just put your head down and do your job or you're out.

Anyways that's probably more than enough for a lifetime, sorry if I got the 0 people who are gonna read this depressed or anything, I'll survive because that's the only thing I'm good at.