Boring, uneventful, and generally not worth talking about. For the 2-20 people who had the misfortune of watching any of my recorded video content back in the day you'd probably struggle to remember me talking about my personal life in any great detail at all unless it directly impacted my ability to record or my video backlog. Why do I even bring this up then? Well because there's things that part of me wants to get off my chest though another part of me says "why bother".
Around mid 2013 I was probably at my lowest point, I had recently dropped out of university and the only thing I had going for me at that time was the youtube channel that I hadn't even bothered monetizing properly (I set up monetization but didn't feel like creating an adsense account to link any revenue to so the few pennies I likely made went straight back to Youtube). I didn't mention any of that in my videos at the time. It was around this low that I really started to dive into furry shit. There's probably no way to come out with this that isn't gonna be cringe or trigger some people so I will warn you that if you don't want to risk losing whatever respect you have or think you should have for me as a person then this is where you should stop reading this post.
So when I first started to get into furry stuff the predominant theme I gravitated to was Pokemon, and probably the biggest reason for that is the insane amount of furry porn of that subject matter which has been growing steady at a rate of 30-50 new pictures a day for the last 6 or so years. I know a lot of people with fond nostalgia of the anime probably hate me and think I'm the problem with the fandom now, and that's fair. I never really had nostalgia for the show, despite watching the whole first season and large parts of Johto and orange islands. To me the canon experience was always the games, which is admittedly a very weird mentality for a 6 year old to have had at the time. Yeah Pikachu's great and all and Charizard was a beast but even as a kid I absolutely hated how stupid Ash was, and that's probably because I actually studied the type effectiveness charts to play the game better so I'd lose less often. No joke though, Ash never learned from his mistakes in those early seasons and that's ultimately why I lost interest in the anime on top of the pacing being so damn slow and more focused on showcasing the Pokemon of the week. What I used to do as a kid with the games is I kinda made my own stories as I played them and worked the game lore into my own personal adventure. The way I see it is that the games provide a framework and context, and the rest is up to your imagination. Does that mean I endorse Pokemon porn? Not really no, but I can see why it exists.
To loop this back into what I was talking about earlier, my 2014 low really started to affect me mentally and it got pretty bad pretty fast. Remember Pixelmon? I loved that shit for being the Pokemon game I always wanted, open world no real goals other than the ones you set for yourself and of course the ability to see the Pokemon walking around and go out and catch them, and battle other players online. I literally put about 400 hours into a pixelmon server and got at least 10 Pokemon to lvl100 with ideal natures and fully trained EV's. I also decided at this time to get around to emulating and playing one of the generations I skipped in gen 4, which I did a few months before gen 6 came out. With so much Pokemon in my life and nothing else it started to actually become the only thing I'd do outside of recording whatever I needed to for the channel that week. It became such a part of me that it actively invaded my dreams and I found myself having really vivid and memorable lucid dreams entirely related to my party pokemon in gen 4 and pixelmon. These dreams persisted not just up to the launch of Pokemon X, but at the time I also applied and was accepted for a one year college course to try and salvage something out of my failure and those dreams followed me through the entirety of that course as well, meaning for over a calendar year I was having lucid dreams about Pokemon on a near nightly basis. Eventually I decided I needed to start trying to capture these dreams in a notepad file, and when I started to finally put what was in my head into words the dreams started to cease. Those of you reading this from the discord now know the origin of that Pokemon fanfiction that no one is ever allowed to see. Over the years it became less of a dream journal and more of a way for me to vent sexual and emotional tension and as a result it's utterly worthless as a dream journal and more of a cringe compilation of shit I still to this day can't believe I wrote and yet to this day I still update this thing from time to time.
So why is any of this important? Well a week ago I started a different notepad file just to see if I could even explain what my deal was to myself. Spoilers, I couldn't really accomplish that to the extent I wanted to but over hours of writing like a madman I was struck with an epiphany. I put so much labor and time into characters and creatures that aren't real, expressed myself fully to them in the hopes they'd understand despite knowing there's nothing there to understand me. I've even gone so far as to confess my love to these imaginary figments. Everything I love is nothing. That's too simple; Everything I love is nothing, and I'm fine with it. I know a lot of people will probably look at that and get depressed but not me. Perhaps it speaks to my weakness as a person that I'd rather interact with nothing than go out and interact with someone else. I tend to overthink things a lot and become paranoid because I've never met anyone I can trust 100% of the time. Maybe that just doesn't exist, maybe I'm in love with that idea because it doesn't exist. I can dedicate myself to nothing and know that nothing will dedicate itself to me in return. I can share myself with nothing and know nothing will share itself with me.
This of course opens a lot of hypotheticals that I kinda want to play around with more but this post is probably hitting up on the character limit so I'll let the reader have fun with this concept of loving nothing.
No comments:
Post a Comment